Shoot 'Em Up - C

In the opening scene, Clive Owen is minding his own business when a pregnant woman runs by followed by a gunman trying to kill her. After dispatching of the bad guy with a carrot (yes, the vegetable), Owen delivers the baby and severs the umbilical cord with a bullet. (Not quite as impressive as his first obstetrical experience in Children of Men). The mother is then murdered and he must find nourishment for the baby. In Children of Men, the future has no babies or children. In Shoot ‘Em Up, Owen is apparently living in a future where there is no baby formula or cow’s milk. He must find breast milk. Good thing he frequents a whorehouse and knows a lactating hooker (Monica Bellucci) who satisfies men with a breast milk fetish. (After emesis, click below for the rest)

In many ways, Shoot ‘Em Up is the Tarantino-spawned fraternal twin of Smokin’ Aces. While that one is the nihilistic, angry brother who takes himself too seriously, this one is the class clown who doesn’t know when to give it a rest. It’s wall-to-wall action from one clever set-piece to another. But the plot makes absolutely no sense and only serves to (very loosely) connect the action scenes. While that may be enough for some viewers, the excellent cast may leave others disappointed. In one of the DVD special features, writer-director Michael Davis complains some critics dismissing his film as cartoonish. Probably shouldn’t have your lead character eating a carrot and saying, “What’s Up Doc?”
After being superb in Children of Men, Inside Man, and Closer, Clive Owen is simply miscast as the greatest assassin alive. A terrific dramatic actor, it’s depressing to see him wallowing in sub-Schwarzenegger quips. While I’m not a charter member of the Monica Bellucci fan club, I’m still a member. But here’s she’s merely wallpaper. As the lead bad guy, Paul Giamatti is clearly having a great time chewing up the scenery (and cashing the paycheck). Can’t wait for something more substantial next time. Early on, Giamatti says, “F@ck me sideways”. Sideways – now that was a good movie. This one kinda sucked. C