No Reservations - D+

Even more horrendous than you probably expect. After her sister dies violently (yes, this is a “comedy”), Catherine Zeta-Jones adopts her own niece (the excruciating and soul-crushing Abigail Breslin). CZJ is a first-rate perfectionist (re: insufferable) cook at a high-end restaurant who is threatened by a new hire (Aaron Eckhart). All these changes in her life lead to lots of uninspired scenes, uncomfortable moments, and contrived cuteness that will have you retching for weeks. There’s too much drama in this romantic comedy and not much romance or comedy. Throw in the predictable retread soundtrack songs taken from any random Nora Ephron movie and you'll want to go Casino-Pesci on somebody. CZJ has never done it for me and Eckhart is way too good to be wallowing in this crap. Bring on Harvey Dent. D+

Geez - I can't find my knees.

Michael Douglas's shriveled testicles?