Spread - C

Having never watched That 70's Show or Punk'd, my only knowledge of Ashton Kutcher consists of a second-rate romantic comedy starring Cameron Diaz, getting Bruce Willis's sloppy seconds, and getting fired off the set of Elizabethtown by Cameron Crowe due to his inability to act. But somehow, through the miracle of Entertainment Tonight and Twitter, Kutcher has remained in the pop culture. His latest starring role is Spread, where he plays Nikki, a homeless, suspender and boot wearing stud whose only commodity is bringing older women to an orgasm. Early on, he bunks down with Samantha (Anne Heche - who may not be scorching at the level of The Juror, but still ignites the screen). But Nikki's need to whore around with everyone in LA ruins his living arrangement with his sugar-momma and he's soon out on the street . . .

He meets and fights with former friends (most notably Rachel Blanchard - Sally from Flight of the Conchords), then falls in love with his female counterpart Heather, played by Margarita Levieva (Lisa P in Adventureland). Will Heather decide to marry money or the penniless Nikki? Will he discover that his selfish, meaningless, shallow existence is shallow, meaningless, and selfish? You probably won't care by the end. Early on, the sex and nudity keeps you awake but by the end, Kutcher's lifeless narration will have you nearly comatose. The plot contrivances (phone calls interrupting at the worst possible time, etc.) don't help and the flat cinematography and direction fails to bring life to modern LA. Kutcher's wardrobe is the worst of the decade. C