Snap Judgments – A quick review of 5 movies

Shrek the Third (2007) – In this one, Shrek has knocked up Fiona and must come to terms with growing up. But don’t worry folks, just because there are more adult themes doesn’t mean the toilet humor will subside. There are many new fairy tale characters but unlike last time where Antonio Banderas’s Puss in Boots was a welcome addition, none really break out. And like that other summer blockbuster Spiderman 3 (B-), there seem to be too many characters to be cohesive. B-

Chalk (2007) – A mockumentary about teachers is loaded with potential and for the first few minutes, it appears this movie is going to do it justice. But the characters quickly get pigeon-holed: the dumb one who wants teacher of the year, the struggling inexperienced, first-year teacher, the short-haired aggressive female gym teacher, etc. None of these ever form a full character, like, say Corky St. Clair. And unlike the great mockumentaries from Reiner/Guest, this one never achieves anything deeper. The gangsta/ebonics spelling bee for the teachers put on by the students is a terrific idea, though. C+

The Reaping (2007) – Hilary Swank is an LSU professor who goes around the world to discount “miracles” scientifically. She is a former African missionary who rejected God years earlier after her husband and daughter are murdered by the locals. When she is sent to a Louisiana swamp to investigate a river that has turned red, she if forced to face her past and what she really believes, I mean, run through the forest in a tank-top and occasionally brandish a knife. The movie is quite effective in delivering the shocks and Swank’s scientific explanation of the 10 plagues of Egypt is fascinating, if delivered a little too fast. But in a post-Sixth Sense world, every other movie seems to have 3 twists in the last 5 minutes. But Mr. Shyamalan and the Apostle Paul can both tell you that only one revelation is needed. C+

Crazy Love (2007) – A truth-is-stranger-than-fiction documentary about ambulance-chasing lawyer Burt Pugach who, in 1959, refuses a divorce and is then left by his mistress Linda Riss. He goes a little bit over the edge and hires 3 dudes to throw lye into her eyes, blinding her for life. After some well-deserved jail time, he continues to pursue her and winds up marrying her nearly 2 decades later in the late 70s. If you find yourself picking up a magazine at the grocery store checkout and placing it next to the eggs, you might find this gossipy tale intriguing, but these two idiots came across as attention-whores to me, with numerous appearances on daytime TV throughout the years. The movie itself is overlong with an unnecessary coda about how happy they are. C

Georgia Rule (2007) – Lindsay Lohan (speaking of attention-whores) is Rachel, a recently graduated California high-schooler, who is forced to live with her grandmother (Jane Fonda) in Idaho for the summer. Her mother (a dickless Felicity Huffman) hopes to rid her of the drugs and the promiscuous sex. Rachel rebels against everyone and gets to tell off a bunch of repressed Mormons. Lohan delivers her lines as only a hot, bad actress can. But even Fonda struggles with her role, clearing entering the “sassy granny” phase of her career (note to Fonda: call Shirley McClaine; she’s been killing these roles for years). Director Garry Marshall threads the comedy and drama with all the finesse of an offensive lineman on a tightrope. But it’s still better than Marshall’s Exit to Eden which had Rosie O’Donnell in leather. So at least it doesn’t have that. Because we don’t need that again. Or even once. Or any more Travolta posts. C