The Mist (and other Cinematic Abominations)

The Mist - 2007
After being fairly warned, I proceeded to throw The Mist in the DVD player, thinking Frank Darabont would be capable of subtlety and craft a tense film with political undertones. I haven’t hated a movie this much in several years. Darabont uses some nice zooms and creates an imposing sense of dread in the supermarket. But instead of a suffocating man-vs-nature message movie, it’s nothing but a clichéd crappy monster movie. Surprisingly, the monsters are shown early on (too early) and so early that Darabont must out-gross and out-gore himself every time they are shown again. The people turning on each other is predictable, just as predictable as Hollywood making religion and the military the bad guys. Marcia Gay Harden gives a career-worst performance (admittedly in a tough role) as the religious zealot. But Thomas Jane is OK as the lead. But what Jane is asked to do in the closing scenes is unconscionable (mercy killing your own son). I don’t need a happy ending, but I do need one that makes sense (In Bruges comes to mind). D
(click below for more abominations)

Cape Fear – (1991)
A year after Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese returned with this disaster where all his tricky camera angles, fast cutting and creepy atmosphere can’t save a deeply unpleasant story. Robert De Niro (in his last Oscar-nominated performance!) bites off Illeana Douglas’s cheek and shoves his thumb in a high schooler’s mouth. Worst of all, he enjoys Problem Child in the theater. That’s already horrible, but throw in married couple Nick Nolte and Jessica Lange being cruel to each other and their daughter Juliette Lewis hating them and the whole thing is unwatchable. You don’t care if De Niro kills them or not. You’re kind of rooting for him. Then he gets his face burned off and speaks in tongues. A gigantic waste of time and talent. C-

Kansas City - 1996
This is basically mediocre, boring Robert Altman until the end, when Harry Belafonte cuts out Dermot Mulroney’s intestines, which is pretty disgusting. Even for dudes like me who like what Altman can do when he’s on, this is one tedious experience, horribly acted, written, and paced. Worst of all, in his 3 Women commentary, Altman insists this film is better than The Player and Short Cuts. Not quite. This might be better than Pret a Porter, but I wouldn’t know since I haven’t seen that one in its entirety. D+

Alien Resurrection - 1997
I love the first 2 installments of the series and think David Fincher’s Alien 3 is underrated. This one is just disgusting with gore and repetitive action. Sigourney Weaver’s DNA is fused with the alien’s. Ripley’s clones-gone-wrong are nauseating. Winona Ryder is lost in her role, a complete waste. French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet fills the screen with exciting and thought-provoking visuals, but can’t control the action or the dialogue. He would fare much better in his follow-up film: the inspiring and delightful Amelie. D

Hannibal - 2001
Saving the worst for last, Ridley Scott squeezed out this turd in between 2 excellent films (Gladiator and Black Hawk Down). Given its pedigree, Hannibal is the most disappointing movie ever. Jodie Foster looks like a modern-day Nostradamus by refusing to reprise Clarice Starling, her Oscar winning role. Anthony Hopkins is merely cashing a paycheck, demonstrating none of the intelligence and insight of his original interpretation in Silence of the Lambs. The main problem with Hannibal is the story, which is filled with a disemboweling and pigs eating people. And by the way, Ray Liotta eats his own brain and Lecter feeds part of Liotta’s brain to a young child, noting that it’s always good to try something different. Ridley Scott crafts a film that is beautiful to look at and beautiful to listen to. But I’ve never hated a movie this much before. The Mist comes close. D-