The Transformers - B-

In Theatres, 144 minutes, PG-13.

Just after Cabbage Patch Kids on the toy continuum and before Super Mario Brothers and the first Nintendo system were The Transformers. These toys, the hot toy circa 1983, were robots that, through a series of twists, bends, and turns, transformed into planes, cars, and, eventually, dinosaurs. For a generation (of which I am a part) they were the coolest toy in any kids arsenal, sitting heads-and-shoulders above G.I. Joe, He-Man, and even Legos. Add a sweet cartoon series to boot, and you’ve got a Gen X touchstone.

Leave it to that purveyor of FX smut Michael Bay to see the potential goldmine here and bring these toys to the big screen—and does he bring them. I’m no fan of Michael Bay, although I did like Bad Boys and the first half of The Island—and the man does understand spectacle, but this flick is decidedly better than his usual. The Transformers themselves are phenomenal visual treats. Every time they change it’s a site to behold, and not just because a twenty-five foot tall robot manages to squeeze into a sports car. You can see the vehicle components in the robots and they look, in their robot form, very similar to the toys we played with as kids. At the same time in their vehicle form this generation transformers often appear nothing like their original vehicle counter-parts. This is because General Motors, for what I can only guess was an extravagant sum of money, managed to get each of the Autobots (good guys) in the form of a GM car. Money well spent. The cars look great, and goodness knows GM could use some sex appeal.

The human stars don’t all fair as well. It seems if you were young enough to play with these toys you still understand how to play in this film, but if you weren’t, you don’t. This latter group includes such usual dependables as Jon Voight and Jon Turturro, both lost here. Meanwhile Shia LaBeouf, proving again that he is the real deal (see Disturbia), plays slightly nerdy high school student Sam Witwicky He is the smart, anti-jock who knows his time is coming but isn’t quite sure when. Providing cleavage in a mini-skirt is Megan Fox who does a much better job with the very little character she has to work with than would be expected. Josh Duhamel is also solid as Captain Lennox until his character becomes too unbelievable to legitimately ask anyone to embody. There’s no Oscars here, but no Razzie’s either.

The plot is this: LaBouf’s grandfather, arctic explorer Captain Witwicky inadvertently discovered Megatron (leader of the bad guys, the Decepticons) frozen in the ice, along with a giant cube (think Rubic’s) called the Allspark (no idea, honestly, but it appears to be important and lead to life). These items are quickly commandeered by the U.S. Government, but not before Megatron encodes the coordinates of the Allspark on Witwicky’s spectacles, which subsequently are handed down to Sam. Via an ebay sale, both the Autobots and Decepticons become aware of these glasses, leaving Sam in the middle of a war to find the Allspark and save/destroy the universe. While further plot holes could be exploited for humor’s sake, it’s just not charitable. Spend some time trying to figure out a more realistic way to incorporate robot/cars into a plausible story line that also involves humans and see if you come up with anything better.

The battle scenes are great until the climax, which gets overly long, too complicated, and way too unrealistic (even assuming the fictional world of the film). The young leads are as delightful as the plot is ridiculous. Still, the coolest toy around remains unbelievably cool. Michael Bay manages to not mess that up, not always an easy feat. B-