10 Mediocre Movies I Love (Guilty Pleasures)

With some lists and films becoming distant and esoteric, I’ve decided to dial it down. Here are 10 I hope I don’t find flipping channels, because I’ll drop everything. Not surprisingly, you may need a Y chromosome to enjoy most of these.

Commando (1985): The opening credits feature Arnold feeding a fawn and getting ice cream rubbed on his nose by his daughter. Nice. Depending on whether or not your brain is working properly, the rest is either an overacted, predictable, nauseating waste of time or a testosterone-filled, blood-soaked masterpiece. The plot is very similar to Rambo 2: A retired soldier on a rescue mission winds up killing hundreds of people. Commando is much better since it doesn’t take itself so seriously and pretend there’s a message. No message, just awesomeness. The only thing really great in this movie is James Horner’s infectious Caribbean score.

Hard Target (1993): In New Orleans, homeless people are paid money to get from point A to Point B. They don’t know other people are paying a lot of money to hunt them. After killing the wrong guy, a horrible actress convinces a horrible actor (Jean Claude Van Damme) to check it out, even though he’s not a private investigator. Good thing he can kick all kinds of ass. What makes this the best Van Damme movie is not the mullet, it’s the direction. This was John Woo’s first (and best) American movie and he hasn’t yet fallen that far from the dizzying heights of his Hong Kong films The Killer and Hard-Boiled. The great Lance Henriksen provides sufficient badness as the main baddie.

Heartbreak Ridge (1986): Clint Eastwood is a Marine sergeant who whips a bunch of ne’er-do-well marines into shape for pride and honor. It’s classic crusty old school meets young punk new school and of course, the youngsters will see the error of their ways and come to respect the old man. The dialogue here is infinitely quotable and the movie has the usual Eastwood catchphrases and set-ups. This is the Clint I love before he got all condescending and manipulative with Million Dollar Baby. I’ll take this Grenada movie over both of his Iwo Jima movies every single day of the year. Jingoistic. Misogynistic. Simplistic. Sublime.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997): Most series start the self-parody on the third film (Return of the Jedi, Lethal Weapon 3). As with Indiana Jones, Spielberg has the confidence to do it in the second film. The Godzilla ending is way too much but the sequence where the cabin is hanging on its side in mid-air and Julianne Moore is trying not to break through the glass as it is cracking is one of the very best action sequences in the 90s.

Man on Fire (2004): If you were bothered by the scene where Denzel duct tapes a guy’s hands to the steering wheel and begins cutting his fingers off and cauterizing the bleeding with the car’s cigarette liter, you’re probably a better person than me. Like Commando, another young girl-in-peril story where the protagonist will break all the rules for results. The ending is much too messy to consider this a good film, but I love the first 90 minutes. As for Denzel’s statement that “a bullet never lies”, that’s complete crap – I’ve personally seen a bullet be untruthful 6, maybe 7 times.

Real Genius (1985): Genius teenagers are sent to live with other geniuses to learn about science, but it’s all really an evil scheme to make lasers and money for William Atherton, the bad guy from Ghostbusters. Val Kilmer is truly great here as the care-free genius who mentors the new boy genius, who looks like a more feminine version of Sarah Jessica Parker. Sorry, Mr. Broderick, it’s true. The climax involves a house exploding from cooking popcorn. You read that right. Cue Tears for Fears and roll credits. Awesome.

Rocky III (1983): This movie has a lot to answer for: the rise of pro wrestling in the 80s, the A-Team, Rocky IV. But I still love the last half of the movie beginning with Apollo Creed’s proposal to “win it back together”. The inevitable training montage gets a little (i.e. very) homo-erotic on the beach (Are those close-ups of the thighs/crotches really necessary?), but that’s part of the beauty of it all. I even like some of the dialogue. “I’m gonna bust you up.” “Go for it.” Wait a second- this movie might be gayer than Top Gun.

Scrooged (1988): Yet another retread of the classic Dickens tale has Bill Murray as a TV executive learning life lessons and reconnecting with humanity. Nearly all of it is way over the top from Bobcat Goldthwait and his shotgun to the three ghosts. But Bill Murray droll, sarcastic performance keeps it grounded. He doesn’t quite nail the sincerity scenes (it would be another decade before he perfected those), but he’s hilarious when he’s telling people off.

Uncle Buck (1989): John Candy’s best movie has him babysitting his brother’s 3 kids for several days while their parents are visiting a sick grandparent. The two younger kids (including a pre-Home Alone MacCauley Culkin) love his shtick, but the teenage girl isn’t buying it – until the final reel. Candy is at his very best trying to use the elementary school urinal and talking back to the teenager’s loser boyfriend. And the freeze frame ending is surprisingly touching.

Under Siege (1992): Die Hard on a boat. The only good Steven Seagal movie has him taking on the bad guys with the occasionally topless Erika Eleniak. The knife fight with Tommy Lee Jones is great and Jones and fellow villain Gary Busey have a lot of fun chewing up the scenery. Harrison Ford watched dailies of this and got director Andrew Davis on The Fugitive. After this, Seagal became a full-blown douche-bag.